This journey of mine has its ups and downs. The healing process is not easy. I recently suffered a fairly major emotional breakdown, which preceded the ending of a much hoped for relationship with someone I once concidered my best friend and soul mate.
Life is certainly full of disappointments. But I can’t say I was unprepared. I was prepared. The Universe–God–prepared me. It was a miracle for which I am immensely grateful. I am not devastated by my loss, rather, I’m hopeful that some important lessons have been learned, both by myself and by the others involved in this episode in my life. It is done. I can move on a better person. My only prayer at this point is that those with whom I have parted will find themselves better in the end as well.
I’ve been working on my issues for years, trying to overcome my past so that I can stop sabotaging my relationships, so that I can have the courage to love and be vulnerable to others, so that I can live my life unafraid to be me, and to offer up the gifts the Universe has given me as uniquely mine to share. I long for meaning in my life. I continually hunt and search for it. I long for love, but not the selfish, needful kind. The kind where two people unite in a partnership of self-actualization. Finding someone who shares my drive of self-improvement and my desire to lift up a part of this sad, sorry world, is really, really difficult. People really are ruled by fear these days. Myself included. But I don’t want to live like that anymore. We always have the choice to view the events in our lives through a lens of love rather than fear. I choose love.
Will you choose it too?
I recently (as a direct result of prayer) was introduced to the work of Gabby Bernstein. All of the work I’d done so far was to take me apart so I could really face the demons inside me and give them a good, once-and-for-all shaking out. What I found I needed at the end of that, was something to help put me back together, to build me up and give me the strength to go on. Gabby’s book The Universe Has Your Back, really was what I needed. In her books she refers to something called “A Course in Miracles.” I’m not sifting my way through that. I know that in order to move forward with the HUGE things the Universe has planned for me, I have to overcome fear and learn to have more faith in my abilities to receive personal revelation. I have always been a dreamer and a visionary, that is, I see dreams and have visions, and they often are realized and tell me something very important–when I’m open to hearing it. But I lack faith in myself and my abilities, in my worthiness to receive and in my power to act on what I receive. As a girl I learned that to be invisible meant to escape attention, which meant escaping anger and punishment and abuse. I don’t want to be invisible anymore. I want to live my life to its absolute fullest.
As I work my way through A Course in Miracles, I’ll post some of its wisdom. Accept it or reject it as you will. It is a strange, odd book and I’m not 100% sure of it myself. But my aim at present is to learn what my mission is during my time on this planet, and to fulfill it to the best of my ability. That is the purpose of A Course in Miracles, to teach us how to listen to the Universe. I want to hear what the Universe and God has to say to me. Even if it’s hard. Even if it’s scary. Because I know without a shadow of a doubt, that what the Universe has planned for me is greater and far more fulfilling than anything I could plan for myself on my own. And frankly, I’ve had enough of living up to my own meager expectations.
This world is frightening, but we don’t have to see it that way. We watch the news, see what is going on, and despair because our leaders don’t have the answers or wherewithal to change things. They can’t and they won’t. Change is our responsibility. Gabby Bernstein suggests that there is a great awakening taking place. I know this to be true because I see it all around me. Do you see it too? Amidst the noise and confusion, the messages about sex and decadence blasted over the radios and televisions, there are those saying something a little different–that we can do better. Listen. See if you can hear it. There are those like Gabby who write not to make money or to earn fame and recognition, ut to actually be a catalyst for change in the world. I want to be a part of that.
Let’s just see where this journey takes us, shall we?
So I move forward embracing love and joy and the excitement of new things, without knowing where this journey is really taking me and what my experiences will be. I don’t care. I’m ready. Let’s go!